Who Are You Really Mad At?
by Kym H.R. Kennedy
In my coaching practice I have found couples at each other's throats over and over again. I have heard the stories of betrayal, hurt, rejection and abandonment repeatedly. The anger is relentless, it is painful and for those in the middle of the fervor, it is justified, mandatory and the only reaction available. "I deserve the right to yell at him." "I am perfectly within my rights to ignore her." "I don't have to tell her everything." "It is okay put him down to my friends and family." "How I spend my money is none of his business."
I wish I knew during either of my two marriages that I would hear so many of the same stories that I experienced from so many other couples later in life. Who knew that the issues I was furious at my husbands for were the same battles being played out in homes all across America. Issues of how to spend money, how to communicate, how to show love and caring, what is allowed in terms of outside friendships and how they are conducted. I experienced them all and, like my clients at the time, all I knew to do was to blow up!!
Knowing that we were not alone would have been comforting, but knowing that I wasn't really mad at my husband would have been downright enlightening! What I know now is that I wasn't really mad at my husbands! They were representations of several other people and situations that I was totally unaware of. There were things that were buried in my subconscious that that I was angry at but unconscious of. Energetically I attracted men into my life that triggered both unhealed wounds from my childhood as well as the buried shadow side of ME!. This is the nature of relationships!! Oh if only we knew!
Yes, the people we attract into our lives are not usually there just to make us happy (surprise, surprise!) What many of our spouses and lovers come into our lives to do is to either mirror parts of us that we don't like or to help us to heal from our childhood wounds. Let's take these one at a time.
Facing our shadow. All of us have a shadow side that we try not to acknowledge, or to be fairer, we don't know we have it. We may consider ourselves to be extremely generous, and we get really irritated with folks that appear cheap. Or we may view ourselves as extremely tolerant yet bigotry makes you pull our hair out. It is just that irritation that is a dead give-away! If you get triggered by anything you see in anyone else, you can bet your bottom dollar that that trait is buried in your subconscious shadow side. What I have learned is that we cannot see in others what is not in us! As the saying goes, "If you spot it, you got it!!" Or as my teacher Iyanla Vanzant said to our class over and over again, "There are only two people in your world, you and God. If it ain't (wonderful, powerful, loving and merciful like) God, then it is you!!"
Yes, that part of you that once long ago acted stingy, and was chastised for it, maybe by a parent, is still there though hidden deep in our sub or un conscious. On a spiritual level our higher self wants us to love all of us so what happens is that we attract people into our lives showing us that very part of us that we have disowned. If we can love that person out there, then in essence we are loving ourselves. That is what Jesus meant when he said "Judge not lest ye be judged". It makes so much sense now. If I am judging someone else, it is really that part of me that I don't like that I am judging.
The other possibility is that we could be judging a trait that we experienced from childhood. Say your father abandoned you as a child. Nine times out of ten as a child who isn't taught how to handle your feelings, you stuff the painful feelings that were experienced back then. However feelings that are buried do not die. The slightest thing that triggers that feeling in you today takes you back psychically to the mentality of that child. Your spouse may just be going on a weekend golf trip in another state and you LOSE IT!! Tears, anger, screaming etc. Or maybe for you it was just deep sadness and a need to overdo your people pleasing act, doing whatever you think may keep them from leaving you. Now tell the truth, is that the reaction of an adult? Not usually. That is that 3, 4 or 5 year old inner child pushing through to be heard. Yet, haven't you seen yourself go there as an adult?
Sometimes we are so much in denial that when we are confronted by our shadow or our childhood pain, we don't act out, but instead we withdraw. We go inside and basically hide like we did when we were kids. Now what that does often is make your partner go nuts. They are trying to get an adult resolution to a disagreement and you are totally non-responsive, also not an adult way to behave.
So what to do? Heal the wounds. Love the shadow. Re-parent yourself and learn to give out what you want to get in the relationship. The people that you are railing against are only in your space because you are energetically vibrating at the same place. Once you shift your energy, they will have to shift theirs OR they will go away, peacefully. There is no other way. Haven't you noticed how people that you knew years ago, you just cannot connect with anymore? They may be in the same city and totally accessible, but for whatever reason you just don't connect? That is what happens with every one of us. We are all energetic beings and everyone in our worlds are vibratory matches to us.
So if you hate someone, they are just mirroring something in you. Now don't spend not a second trying to find the match. The match is distorted probably. Like say you see your wife is indifferent to you. You may be very loving and attentive to everyone except..um you! This works like a hall of mirrors. It is often quite distorted and it doesn't matter really. Just know that you have work to do on yourself. I say all the time that if you are looking at yourself in the mirror and you see lipstick or shaving cream on your cheek, you don't go to the mirror to correct it, you go to your face. Same here. When you see someone out there that you don't like, you can make that reflection change only by changing you.
Work to raise your vibration using some or all of these methods:
Practice unconditional love. According to Neale Donald Walsch author of Conversations with God, true love is when "I want for you what you want for you." Be sure that loving yourself is high on your agenda. People will treat you the way that you treat you. It is more of the mirror effect.
Learn to meditate. 15 minutes in the morning (A Course in Miracles says 5 min) spent with your higher self is similar to charging your cell phone. You really will function better. It is also practice in controlling your mind which if left to its own devices will fly off of the handle at the smallest infraction. With practice you can train yourself to respond peacefully in most every situation.
Breathe deeply. Our normal breathing is too shallow. Phil Laut author of Money is My Friend says that it is indicative of a subconscious death urge.
Practice forgiveness. Preferably using Radical Forgiveness explained in the book by Colin Tipping. There really is a difference between Radical Forgiveness and traditional forgiveness (a whole other article!)
Start a gratitude journal. You get what you focus on. Spend a few minutes each day focusing on what you are grateful for and you will naturally attract more.
Volunteer. For someone or something that needs you. Take the focus off of you, you, you! Spend some time doing something for someone else. It goes a long way to improving your self worth and helps you to stop obsessing over what the other person in your life is or isn't doing.
Yes, you probably are not mad at who you think you are. These people are really healing angels who have come to help you accept yourself and your wounds. The most appropriate thing to say to them really is Thank You.